The US and CANADA Rivalry Series .. what could be more entertaining that watching such talented women playing hockey .. live .. what could be more fun?
I keep asking myself that as I go through the motions of being anxious and for the lack of a better term .. “triggered” ....
I was and still am looking forward to going to this game ... and I realized it would be a challenge as I haven’t been to any big event for a long time. I loved watching this hockey from the comforts of my home and to have it come to my home town ... how can I pass that up ..
Sounds like I’m still trying to talk myself into it ... that it’s a good idea ...
I was preparing ... I know there will be a large crowd and they will get in my space .. but they are all there to cheer on their favorite team .. it will be loud but it will also be expected noises ... yelling .. whistles .... there should be nothing there that will catch me off guard and if there is I will do my best to work through it ... if I take Lorazepam I take away some of the excitement since I am a bit sedate .. if I don’t I may be hyper alert and that fight or flight may kick in ... so I will take the meds and still enjoy the game ... knowing ill be a lil slower to respond to a trigger and maybe that will give my brain a moment to realize there is no threat to me.
What happened ...
Well I follow the Canadian team on Instagram ... and there they were .. a pic of 2 of them on a bus .. coming from Saskatoon to Regina ... on of my favorite players Natalie Spooner smiling in the photo .. and once I realized it was a charter bus my guts dropped ... my head started spinning .... my memory took me back in time ...
Humboldt Hockey team ... bus crash ....
Families and fans following the bus ...
I felt sick ...
I felt vulnerable ..
I feel like I was so afraid for those women, who I have never met ...
I felt like I was shaking and was losing control, there were tears in my eyes and I was instantly angry.
So then I thought the USA team was also on the Highway ... on a bus ....
People laughing, talking, sleeping .... no worries .... no thoughts of an accident.
I was now talking myself out of going .. I cant .. how can I go now that I feel like these teams represent more than just a game .. they scared me .. they brought back memories and that tired to control me ...
This is how it happens .. this is why people with PTSD/ OSI’s shelter in .. why they don’t get involved with anything that could remind them of the horrors they went through, that caused an injury that changed their life.
Just seeing the vent on the inside of a bus ... recognizing ....
When I found out that the Canadian team made it safely and was actually at RCMP Depot doing a drill .. which was only a couple of buildings from where I was ... I was a bit relieved ... but there was still the US team ... and I looked at the time and thought they should be here .. I couldn’t actually watch the news .. I wouldn’t check any sites ... I would just pray and hope ... I cant believe that this is so hard .. that this moment took me to my knees and I felt terror and fear.
Everyone is alright ....
My body feels exhausted .. my brain feels like its on fire ... I have a headache and just want to sleep now
This is why some people just hide .. shut off the world to try to prevent the mistrusts in life ... trying to think that it’s a safe place ... that I wont ever be exposed to that kind of trauma again .. but I was today .. for a short time ... those imaginary pictures .. those negative thoughts ... the sadness ... the anger.
That’s what its like to have a trigger ...
I cant explain it other than it took me to the seat I was in on that fateful day and I feel like I cant enjoy anything because of fears ... it tries to control me .. the thoughts lock me in to thinking its all bad ... there is no good thing that could come out of this ... I was wearing a headset today doing some routine queries for Cadets learning how to do patrols ... a few times my ears were ringing and my heart was pounding ... trying to get control of the nervous system to shift it back into rest mode .. breathing is altered ... thoughts are all over the place and im hyper alert to every sound .. even the sound of my typing this ...
So now ... what to do ... go to the game and say .. nothing happened to them they are all alright and im here to have fun and enjoy the game ... I have to put the images away and replace them with the excitement everyone else has ... it seems unfair that this is such a battle to go to one hockey game ... because they were on a bus ...
Depression says don’t go .. you are already angry and worked up ... life says you have to go you will never have this opportunity again ...
One picture altered my body .. .literally .. my nervous system ...
That’s what its like to live with PTSD ... you never know what the trigger will be nor how you will react ..
It will take some time today and a lot of self composure ... but I will push forward and go ... im sure there will be many memories flashing at me as I get through the evening but grounding techniques will be so important .. this is the moment now .. they are not the Broncos .. they are all ok .. I am given this opportunity to grow to test my new skills as a manoeuvre though a new path ..
Tonite I get to see Natalie Spooner ....Hilary Knight ... and all the other heroes of ladies hockey ... I will not let this injury stop me .. I will be ok .. I have support .. I have people around me that understand ..
Please don’t stop pushing .. please don’t stop living life because of the pain .. it will subside and it will change .. it may never go away but you will have new tools to deal with the flashbacks and setbacks.
We will learn to enjoy life ... events ....
We will allow ourselves to feel all of these feelings knowing its from the injury but we will also know we are alright .. we will be alright ... what we feel is a normal reaction to a trigger ... it wont ever go away but it will get manageable with hard work ....
Thank you for all who have encouraged me .. you helped get me here today and it’s a good day to feel alive. ...
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