So, its been since October that I have been receiving Ketamine as a treatment for Depression/PTSD and the clinical difference in how I feel has been, to me, amazing.
I doubted how this would work as all I seemed to do was go in, receive this drug and sit there in a stupor for about 50 mins, another 50 to come completely out of it then go home …. No therapy while taking the drug- no session during .. no direction as to what I should be doing during this time .. just take the drug .,. be incapacitated and do nothing .. and it would treat my symptoms. I guess its like an antidepressant though .. you can take those and not do anything and they will work to treat your symptoms .. this seemed so different.
I started listening to “wind” sounds … that howling wind that seemed to comfort me … or rain once in a while … I tried to just do nothing but I was so hyper aware that every sound was affecting me, voices from the from reception area .. the music being played .. one time there was a phone alert and that sent me into an anxiety attack and they had to give me lorazepam to settle me down. So then I started using headphones to block out all other noises other than the wind ….
I also tried thinking of the calls that have left me “broken” thinking if I can think of the call during this time when I cant react perhaps it would be better. I was wrong … once those images came into my mind they were so vivid and real I had such a hard time releasing them from my thoughts … apparently the dosage is different when you are doing in vivo exposure while on this drug .. plus the fact you have a trained therapist there guiding you .. not just curiosity.
The way this drug has helped me is it went to a place within my mind and calmed me .. not sedated … not erasing anything … just took that sympathetic nervous system response and kind of slowed it to the point I was able to think either right before I reacted or while I reacted to a trigger … Its so hard to explain … its like there was a loud bang in a store and usually that would catch me off guard and I would instantly become angry and go into that fight or flight confrontational mode … but this loud sound startled me yet did not ‘trigger’ me. A woman in a store rammed into the cart I was pushing and I watched it approach and let it happen .. which is typical .. but usually I get angry and ram back or confront and not move out of the way .. I say rude things and swear .. but this time its like I thought before reacting and realized this woman was trying to get her sons attention while she was pushing the cart and hit my cart by accident … she apologized .. and instead of being an asshole I said “ its ok “ ..
My driving has changed … I am less reactive to poor drivers who inconvenience me .. I used to get severe road rage and now I can just shake my head .. don’t get me wrong I still swear but I don’t swerve towards other vehicles nor do I chase them down. My speeding habits have eased .. I am no longer feeling this anxiety of being in a rush to get to places .. I was always 20 mins early for everything and now I don’t look at the clock in my car and think “ what if there is a detour” “ an accident” “ a slow driver” I know I have left in plenty of time and will get to my destination with time to spare.
My depression doesn’t have me hostage .. I feel the urge to do things now and when I am resting it isn’t because I want the day to disappear or that I have no hope .. no incentive. I don’t snap and become defensive as often but part of that was the environment I worked in.
So a lot of things are in play here ….
Removing me from a toxic environment that demanded more that I could mentally give … the multitasking requirements were at times ridiculous and unsustainable. The fear of making a mistake in a high stake’s atmosphere … either a life could be affected or someone would make a fool of you and yell across the room. The brain gets a rest from constantly attempting to be reactive, proactive and responsive to every sound around me … radios, phones, conversations … the calls that taxed every fear imaginable from horror to that intense adrenaline rush that didn’t stop, even after a shift .. the calls played over and over.
I sat back in there as an observer for a while .. to try to control the demons … it made me realize I was far to afraid to take another call … too injured to regain that high level of skill required …
The next step was placing me in an office that was similar to a dispatch center … it helped me gain confidence in my skills …. Challenged me to get on a radio again and dispatch scenarios to Cadets… let me make decisions without the consequences of being ashamed or belittled, or with the weight of if I make a mistake someone’s life would be altered.
The therapy is another story .. it’s a lot of work that involves doing something every day … I journal, I practice lessons learnt … I apply our conversations to days when I struggle and I then realize how far ive come in 3 months .. in 6 months .. the past year. We talk about things I will never talk to others about, we re-enact moments in my brain that cause me to break down and be scared of my own thoughts. I have night terrors after some sessions they subside as do other images …
So here I am … 4 months in and I feel amazing … yes I still have my bad moments but .. in comparison to who I was prior to all these measures …
I will continue to receive the Ketamine once a week until the end of the month then it is every 2 weeks and eventually once a month then top ups … until I no longer require it. During the Christmas holidays I went for 3 weeks without having a session and felt no ill side effects of the depression coming back. The side effects I do have is the bad taste in my mouth during application, and enhanced sense of taste after which lasts .. so salt is extremely salty and sweets .. well lets just say eating a chocolate bar now is like taking a cup of sugar and putting it in my mouth … so ive cut back on my sugar which sure isn’t a bad thing… there is no change in appetite or sleep.
I don’t think this is the miracle cure but for me it has been an amazing supplement to all the other treatments …
This drug isn’t covered by most drug companies … I pay $85 per treatment and $69 per vial of nasal spray that last for 3 treatments … so far out of pocket its been over $2,200 plus time off work .. plus finding a ride every session …
However … I haven’t felt this good in 4 years …..
I wish this was available as an option for those who have tried so many other treatments and felt nothing was working …
That black cloud can be lifted .. be patient .. something will work for you …
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