Its been a while since i wrote out things ... I've been on this healing "high" for a while and its been so interesting to see who i am coming out of this .. definitely not the same person as i was going in.
I'm still taking Ketamine treatments once a week, the side effects so far have mostly been an alter in taste ... I have also seemed to build up a bit of a tolerance to the drug as I feel less "altered' after administration. This is normal but i can see why people would keep adding higher dosed to get that feeling of " heaviness of limbs " of "relaxation". Ketamine is classified as a dissociative anesthetic, which is a class of psychedelic drug that distorts sensory perceptions, and may produce feelings of disconnection or detachment from reality. The caution typically is the addiction .. but through my Psychiatrist I will be weaned off slowly and carefully monitored.
Along with the Ketamine I am working through therapy appointments that typically happen the day before a ketamine treatment. Therapy consists now of taking the specific call and breaking it down into 10 minute increments and adding facts, date, emotions and imagination. I used to have quite severe nosebleeds during therapy .. when i was talking about the call and now it seems that the nervous system has relaxed a bit to allow me to verbalize and feel the call .. without having that intense headache or raise in blood pressure.
Its interesting how the mind fills in gaps or goes toward the negative so automatically .. my story will change almost every time i say it and it adds some facts that i have forgotten or it changes things .. the chronological order .. i hated when my story changed because then i felt that was a trait of a liar ... its not .. the mind is just working hard to tell my story ... I can really see the changes when i read my old journals when i first was injured. The focus seemed to be on anger and abandonment .... as well as being exposed to this horror for 3 days .. then the story went to the lack of resources, the loss , still having this anger .
The anger turned to hurt and the hurt turned into a process of grief .
Talking about the call in increments can be applied to almost any situation ... you take what the brain knows ... add in what you have learned that is factual and apply it .. then add in emotions and imagination and again validate and factualize ....
The first 10 minutes of the call ...
Call comes in ... data is read and interpreted, brain analyzes what it needed to be proactive and reactive ... resources contacted ...
Well i wish that was the way that it went ... you know when you are driving and make a cell phone call the call goes to the nearest tower and that gives you the latitude and longitude of the area you called from.... but lets say you call again and you are now 5 miles from the first place you called .. that lat and long will change. I will give you an example of why this is relevant ... if i am from Moosomin and witness an accident in Wapella .. 26km to the west ... Moosomin RCMP has this jurisdiction ... they will respond. However if there is a car heading westbound and they see the accident and call in a few moments after they pass it the phone signal may bounce off another tower and give a different lat and long than the one i gave .. so this accident may come up in the jurisdiction of Broadview RCMP ... 48 kms away. You see the problem ? The technology we have is amazing when it works .. and im not saying it didnt work but imagine how many people called in the Humboldt Bronco accident and the locations they were calling from, the directions they were heading, and the different responding areas activated. Some people stopped and called .. some were still heading north some heading south .. some even from the west from behind the semi ...
Each coming off a different tower ... we knew the area it was the calling of resources that was confusing for the first few moments ... its like the above scenario of Moosomin vs Broadview heading to Wapella ...
What happened in this call is that every surrounding area was notified and sent ... they were contacted via radio and telephone .. this was change of shift so that added into the chaos of everyone being contacted ....
In my call in my imagination my 10 minute increments were like this ..
first call 1650 hrs ..
crew responded 1700hrs
crews on scene 1710
EMS and FIRE on scene packaging and transporting 1720
more resources show up 1730
Coroner called ... supervisors called .. managers called ... 1740
Transport of all on scene 1750
I completed my shift 1800
Moosomin to Wapella is 18 minutes .... Wapella to Broadview is 35 minutes ...
That is data .. that is reality ...
My time line is off ... and if i actually sit for 10 minutes thinking .. thats the amount of time it took get the correct information, to get further information, to find the correct resources and to make the calls .. to get people logged on and off duty .. to give them the information i initially had then call back for updates .... meanwhile they are responding ... Smeaton, Nipawin, Tisdale, Melfort ... on route they are calling for more info ... to make contacts for them .. to notify others ... during this more calls are exploding on my screen and im trying to keep up with the info but its impossible ... the phones .. the radio ...
10 mins eh ....
20 mins maybe less ... then to start triaging the work that needed to be done, them implementing the ideas and treatment plans.
Have you ever had to wait for someone while you are in a hurry and time seems to last forever ? if you are sitting alone waiting this time ticks away .. sloooooowly ... however if you are multitasking and talking and shouting and reading and typing as fast as you can this time flies by ... I honestly dont remember a timeline .. im guessing and its not factual ... its in fact impossible. What i do remember is key words ... they trigger a memory ... noises trigger a memory .. the response in this call took an incredible about of resources is the shortest amount of time .... it was so incredibly busy it was ridiculous ..
Now ... reality is involved ... i think of what a short window of time i had to make decisions and calls ... what a short amount of time we had to get resources out there ...
Near the end of this call i felt like something inside broke like i was going soo fast and my chain fell off .. i was lost ... but in reality i kept going ...
There is guilt and shame ... thinking i could have read the lat and long better and had people respond quicker .. shame that i had a panic attack during all of this and yet still kept working ....
The triggers take me back to this hour ... certain moments that scare the hell out of me and make me panic ...
So this is where i was at until recently ....
The Ketamine not only has worked on the depression associated with PTSD it has taken these triggers and added a pause ... a very slight pause .. enough for the brain to say " is that truly a threat" and then i react ... where as before i would just react blindly in a rage because of fear.
I have had to pay out of pocket for all of my treatments ... October to January twice a week at $85 per treatment and $70 for the drug that lasts approximately 3 treatments. January to June once a week at $95 per treatment plus $75 for the drug.... no one will cover the intranasal administration of Ketamine ... plus it is still considered a Psychedelic drug ...
Having the reaction, the benefit, the freedom from this torture has made every penny worth it ... I have tried every drug that was given to me .. antidepressants, antipsychotic, some worked some left me suicidal .. I have tried different types of therapy such as Yoga, TMS, EMDR ... this was an experiment and almost a last effort for treatment for me ... Ketamine is new to the PTSD world ... it is usually given to people with hard to treat depression and only recently in Canada used in difficult to treat PTSD.
Giving me that pause is what helps in therapy to be able to sit in an environment that is safe then imagine myself during the call. Taking myself back there to relive it over and over until all components are there ... the emotions .. the data ... the logic ...
Then part of this call comes together ... and i feel i no longer have to relive it every time i see a Bronco sticker ... I am probably always going to have the noise trigger but what i wont have is that fight or flight reaction which as i mentioned before is becoming more manageable!
This is Day 1 .... day 2 and 3 still have to be dealt with but the strength i feel now makes this feel like i can do this... i feel healthy .. i feel like i passed this one roadblock which was my mind ...
I dont know why the Ketamine worked so well .. my Psychiatrist is thrilled and is asking me more and more questions as to how im tolerating the drug and day to day living ... its been night and day ...
I lost 3 people close to me in less than 2 weeks ... 2 close friends and my Uncle, all to cancer. I honestly feel that if i hadn't been receiving such good mental health care i would have been so lost ... the depression would have sunk in .. and now i am able to discern the difference from being sad to being depressed .. that black cloud isn't staying .. the thoughts seem more positive ... life seems easier to manage the rough spots.
The path im on now is freeing ... although i realize there is still work to do i am in a different place .. ive changed ... the anger is less .. the panic attacks are further apart .. the headaches and nightmares have slowed down .. i still have some guilt and blame myself for being weak but thats part of the healing ...
There is hope ....
There is clarity ...
There is a future with this call within me and not destroying me .
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