This year has been a hard one …
I guess I quit journaling when things were sad
When things were good I didn’t want to journal in case it made me sad.
Well .. now its like there has been so many new changes I need to share …
I am now on a different drug other than the KETAMINE … it was getting so expensive at nearly $65 per prescription and $90 for administration .. I was paying that twice a week then went to once a week when I found out that if I switched drugs and went with SPRAVATO .. similar to KETAMINE .. that it would all be covered.
The problem with switching drugs is that my body was so accustomed to KETAMINE that this new drug left me in a stupor for the full 2 hours if not longer, the last treatment went a lil smoother as I was more lucid within an hour of taking it .. They will come in and quietly check on me within a half hour of taking this drug .. then every 15 minutes they take my blood pressure to make sure it comes down …
I lost 2 friends in February to Cancer … it left a void especially with my communication .. I spoke to them so often that I was lost .. and still am … there are conversations that you just don’t have with any one else ….
That sadness bordered on Depression … but never crossed that line …
The summer was busy .. still taking treatments every week .. still seeing my Psychologist once a week and my Physician and Psychiatrist every 6 weeks. It takes so much dedication and honesty to heal .. saying things that are hard to say … feeling those emotions that you stuffed so deep you can forget them.
In August … there was another death … suicide … this one hit close to home and left me scared. This one also created a great division …. I was quite verbal about the suicide … thinking people needed to know because we all need to come together and grieve and take care of each other … these were not her wishes … she wanted silence … no service .. no name mentioned .. nothing. I couldn’t accept that because of my own fears … and I was so angry and took that anger out on past coworkers that at one time were friends … I burnt the bridges … the communication lines were severed and perhaps that’s all that it would have taken .. I feel I went from wanting to take care of everyone while they grieved to having those same people tell me to shut up and keep quiet about this event ….
Should suicide scare me so much ? been there … been so scared about life that all I seen was that one way out … maybe that is why this one hit me … and then the fact that no one wanted to talk about it .. its like everyone was left on their own to figure this out .. well I was left on my own .. remember I burnt the bridge ….
Instead of working on mt PTSD during my sessions I was left to work on this death .. trying to sort it out and let it go but there was something I held onto .. maybe because I had things in common with this person … we both were exposed to calls that were overwhelming, that were in the news for days … that there was an award for yet we both discussed how much pain the award itself caused .. there was no need to display it .. to be reminded of the horror ….
I do remember that conversation with them many years ago …
So moving forward … another suicide … This one spoke about his challenges with PTSD, addictions .. he fell through the cracks .. made some poor decisions but also developed PTSD before it was widely spoken about … so the resources may not have been there. However … even now … with resources .. with therapists .. you still need $200 and hour to talk to them .. and cash for medications … and the drive to live …
Sometimes the resources are there and you cant get into them .. or the resources are there and you just aren’t ready for that commitment .. sometimes … it’s a matter of the mind taking over and saying “you will never get better “. Twice during this journey I have been faced with my own choices .. at one time I reached out to a unit and I discussed a pact that if I felt that I was going to take my life that I would reach out … there was no follow up with that pact … no safe plan review … I felt abandoned. The next time it was a reaction to a medication .. an antidepressant that sucked all the colour out of my day … left me in a darkness that few see … I felt like I was in a fog and didn’t belong and then the brain .. “ you aren’t going to get better “ I reached out in both situations and the first one .. well that was just bullshit … the second one I went to my care team … meds were changed, extra appointments in place and follow up was pursued.
Suicide … being alone .. suffering alone in a crowd … what can we do to make changes … make more resources available ? if they are and people aren’t reaching out .. do we just give up ? I know Ive given up on some people who I was depending on .. burnt a bridge or 3 … if im going to survive this it will be on my terms … putting yourself first feels like such a selfish act when you feel you have spent your life caring for others…
Back to the present, yea I don’t know how the SPRAVATO works but being on it has taught me the difference between sadness and depression. A huge step forward … I still have anxiety but it truly isn’t as controlling as it was … my night terrors still come and go .. the triggers .. well it depends on the day im having but mostly its noise … I still react poorly but that is still better than the past … I know the trigger .. I cant always ‘control’ the reaction but I recognize so many things.. there is a moment of clarity post exposure that allows me to breathe through the fight or flight … what a breath of life that is ….
I had a discussion with the Psychiatric Nurse that does my Spravato treatments and mentioned to her that she is part of groundbreaking work … this drug is new to PTSD … it reacts differently in each person so there is a mystery to it yet .. I said its kinda like Weyburn Mental Hospital when they truly did give drugs and study the affects and aftermath … LSD… Mushrooms .. shock therapy … that was 70 plus years ago and look where we are with Mental health … Im taking a drug that was used by Veterinarians, is used for surgery, it’s a dissociative drug .. it’s a controlled substance but not an opioid or narcotic … I have had Hypnotherapy, tried numerous antidepressants … had TMS ( Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) .
Today, here I stand .. feeling alive .. feeling like I want to be alive and working through some of the hardest calls of my life …
I guess what im saying is … its been a hard year … but with help … it was not only survivable it is livable …
Please Reach out … you will get better … you will be able to tolerate more … you will appreciate life again.
Comments