It's been a while since i sat and wrote things out on here, i have been rereading some of my journals and they are quite dark ... but that was my mind and the truth for that moment in time.
I'm doing some public speaking and it's freeing for me ... I have been feeling stronger and i have been moving forward in this journey. To share my story and have it leave off on a positive note has been a reminder of growth and of obstacles that i overcame to get where i am. I will not change my story to say that I had help along the way ... i had to search for it and find it on my own, usually when i felt I was running out of time. I have some speaking engagements coming up and im excited to share a story of survival and hope, to show that someone understands that feeling of calls accumulating and when they feel they have no where to go.
I have been on Ketamine for over a year now and the side effects have diminished .. I have appointments this week to review the potential to decrease the weekly treatments to biweekly ... i think im ready ... i think the mind is ready. My nervous System seems to calmer and my reactions to some triggers have been less frequent. I have appointments for a review and will see where we go from here, I have had quite a few questions about the Ketamine use and am very open to talk about it, its not a first line medication however if all other attempts to treat major Depression have failed it is worth a discussion with a Psychiatrist. There is IV ketamine as well as Intra Nasal administration, both require a 2 hour appointment as well as a ride to and from the appointment which is quite a commitment.
I havent written about going out to the Bronco accident site... it was a deep moment for me that left me with a sense of grief that i never felt before. I left my headset at the site, it held every call from that day and the following 2 days ... it was my connection to every person on site .. the living and the deceased. I had not taken another call with that particular headset .. i did at times want to burn it but it held power ... it held my heart .. my thoughts .. my mind. I felt the strength of those on scene with me .. it was like having my own personal memorial service. We then went for lunch and I met an amazing First Responder who was on scene the day of the accident, we talked and talked and can relate to so many emotions and lasting injuries. I am learning more about the moral injury ... the injury left when you have expectations of being taken care of and you are left on your own, or when people you trust turn on you and try to minimize your trauma. There is still a lot of anger in that .. trust issues ... learning how to let people in so you can look to them for support.
So the other thing that is big news for me is that i may get the opportunity to meet one of the survivors. Apparently he was giving a talk and one of my old coworkers was talking to him after asking if he had met many of the First Responders. My name came up in the conversation and he asked that his email be given to me and i could contact him if i wanted to. I wasn't expecting that and not that it was harmful in any way ... it just brought in some emotions that i have yet to name ... i have been a little preoccupied with this and the thought of having a discussion with them does bring tears to my eyes. Is this what i need ? Will this bring more peace ? Will it be a trigger that will take me back ?
Its funny that the first thought isn't about this wonderful reunion of First Responder and Survivor .. its about fear, and that's sad that my brain has adapted such a negative response however when i look at what i have gone through since the accident it makes perfect sense that i would be hesitant and afraid.
I have been waiting for a change for 6 years ... it had taken up to the last 1 1/2 to 2 years for me to really feel the value in life, to feel the lift mentally from all the darkness that surrounded me .. to breathe and not gasp for the second breath but for it to be anxiety free and safe. I heard a very powerful statement yesterday about the cost of Mental injuries .. the cost to your relationships, your loved ones, your friends. Watching someone go through times in their life when they feel they would rather be anywhere else except alive. Watching them sleep all day on the floor, barely eat and wake up screaming at nite with no end in site. Watching them try different treatments ... prescriptions. Its all trial and error, there is not one good fit that would work for everyone injured and that is why it is so complex ... it is why we lose people as they lose patience, they turn to alcohol ... why ? it doesnt have to be prescribed .. there is no one to monitor ...you can lie about usage .... it sociable ... even when a close friend's eyes looked like they could bleed yellow with jaundice they denied drinking ... we lost them... was it a passive suicide ? did they lose patience ? What about the 3 Telecom operators ... 2 of them medically retired ... what was the final point where they just give in to those thoughts.
There is a new troop graduating next week, i get to experience their graduation as they receive the badge that will change their lives ... although i never be their dispatcher i can assure you that i will do whatever i can to ensure their mental health needs are met as long as i can ... just by having conversations ... by caring. Life happens but when you are a First Responder calls happen while you are trying to live your life ... PTSD will happen whether you are healthy, ill, have previous traumas or no experience. It may never happen but if it does i want these new Officers to have the confidence knowing they will be taken care of.
But ... Im still waiting for change ...
Comments